The Artemis Fowl Files

Warning/Disclaimer

This journal contains SPOILERS and EXCERPTS from the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer. This journal is for entertainment purposes, for sharing the wonderful world of Artemis Fowl, and for role-playing in milliways_bar, from which no profit whatsoever is being made. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Father."

He's standing there, holding a chess board close, trying to get his father's attention as the older Artemis barks orders into the phone.

"Father," he tries again, only to be waved off as his father stalks off down the hall. He has to deal with some mess or another. He doesn't have time for his son.

Butler says he'll play, but Artemis is already looking elsewhere.

"Mother," he pleads, but she says nothing, absently patting his head as she floats past. She's dancing with a crude pillow imitation of his father. Like the one she used when his father was really gone, and Artemis can feel his heart breaking all over again.

But then someone is tugging on a leg of his trousers and there is Myles looking up at him, clutching a ruined Professor Primate toy.

"Simple-toon, you fix," Myles says, thrusting the plaything at him because Artemis was the one who broke it trying to trick Opal Kobai. It sets the toy off, the metallic voice screeching that history will remember this day.

"Not now, Myles," he snaps, because he can't stop himself. He does want to help, but he doesn't have time for toys right now. He's holding a laptop, the chessboard gone, clutching his favored PowerBook to his heart. "I have work I need to do."

He turns to go, not wanting to face his brother's crestfallen expression, but Beckett douses him in finger paint, ruining laptop and suit.

Artemis scowls, opening his mouth to tell his other brother off, but Beckett's running away before he can. He joins their father down the hall, who ditches the phone in favor of scoping the younger boy up into his arms, tickling him until the two-year-old is screeching with laughter.

His mother appears with Myles, all smiles and -


And Artemis wakes with a start.

DIRECTORY OF G:\THE FOWL FILES\AF1

AF1_DramatisPersona
AF1_Entry1
AF1_Entry2
AF1_Entry3
AF1_Entry4
AF1_Letter
AF1_Entry5
AF1_RecordedConversation
AF1_Entry6
AF1_RecordedConversation2
AF1_Entry7
AF1_Entry8
AF1_Entry9_Part1
AF1_Entry9_Part2

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

"You risked an awful lot on a theory, Artemis."

"Not just a theory. We did have a test subject."

"Who? Ah, Angeline."

"Yes. My mother. Because of her narcotic-induced slumber, she moved with the natural order of time, unhindered by the time-field. If she had not, I would have simply surrounded to the LEP and submitted to their mind wipe."
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

I had told Commander Root that I could beat the time-stop and I have. It's the reason I am typing these accounts today. That, and Butler did not seem fit to snap my neck for forgoing to tell him about the sleeping pills I had slipped Juliet and him.

I had explained to him it was necessary though.

As it is, the only way to escape a time-field is to simply fall asleep within it. Our own consciousness was all that kept us imprisoned.

In the end, by the their own laws, the faeries were unable to retrieve their gold as I was not dead as they had assumed. And further, by their own laws again, as long as I was alive, the gold remains mine as the Book dictates:

If the Mud Man gold can gather,
In spite of magick or fairy glamor,
Then that gold is his to keep
Until he lies in eternal sleep.

Thus, the gold is mine to keep, the LEP unable to attempt in stealing it back.

Overall, despite some hiccups, my plan was successfully executed: Captain Short was returned safely to the People, Butler and Juliet are both relatively unscathed, and I am now fifteen million richer.

Captain Short even kept to her word, though she had no real reason to, and granted me my little wish:

My mother was healed.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

He knew exactly what Butler was feeling. The fairy had saved both their lives and yet he insisted on holding her ransom. To a man of honor like Butler, this was almost more than he could bear.

"The negotiations are over. One way or another she will be returned to her kind. No harm will befall Captain Short. You have my word."
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

As you can surmise from that last, rather garbled, recording, Captain Short had indeed found me. Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short by an even bigger problem that neither of us had anticipated.

It seems that LEP had decided to release a troll into the manor. It was certainly not a move I had planned for and Butler, Butler was almost killed by the encounter.

Had it not been for Captain Short and her healing magic, I may have lost him forever. I could only watch all of this unfolding from the monitors. Captain Short had locked me in the control room. I was helpless.

But Butler, after Short had healed him, was, well, he was Butler. He was able to defeat the troll, battling the creature in one of the suits of armor that we have in the lobby.

Though I may never have the chance to tell her, Captain Short will always have my immense gratitude - whether she wants it or not - for saving Butler.

But with Butler alright and the troll defeated, it had been back to business.

Yes. Of course, I kept with my plan. It was almost the end. However, I had promised to both Butler and myself that no harm should come to Captain Short.

After the stunt with the troll and time running out, I knew that the faeries had to submit. And they did. They paid in full for the safe return of Captain Short.

And safely returned she was, as I promised. I even gave her, on the condition of being granted a little wish, half the gold to take with. What I kept was adequate enough, equating to near fifteen million in dollars.

Even with the return of Short and half the gold to the LEP though, I knew that they were proceeding to Bio-Bomb the manor and sneak in, once I was dead as per my 'invitation' to the Commander, to retrieve the remaining gold.

I had planned it so.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

He knew immediately what the LEP were up to - send in the troll to secure a cry for help, interpret it as an invitation, and next thing you know a brigade of goblin stor troopers were taking the manor. Clever. And unanticipated. It was the second time he'd underestimated his opponents. One way or another, there wouldn't be a third.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Recorded Conversation

AF:
Good evening, Captain Short. At the risk of sounding cliched, I've been expecting you. You are, of course, still bound by the promises made earlier tonight. So, basically, our situation hasn't chaged. You are still my hostage.

CHS:
(distractedly) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AF:
Something I should know?

CHS:
Quiet.

AF:
It's not polite, you know. Ignoring your host.

CHS:
(snarling) Enough is enough. That's right, rich boy. You're on your own this time.

AF:
(thud)

CHS:
Oh, yes! That felt good. (pauses) Foaly. Foaly, come in. (pauses) The one and only. Foaly, there is no loop. I can see everything that's going on around here. D'Arvit.

AF:
You hit me.

CHS:
That's right, Fowl. And there's plenty more where that came from. So stay right where you are, if you know what's good for you. That's right, Mud Boy. Playtime's over. Time for the professionals to take over. If you're a good boy I'll buy you a lollipop when I come back.

AF:
(pauses) I don't like lollipops. (pauses, thundering noises heard) Butler? Pick up. (pauses) Lollipops!

Butler:
Say again. I thought you said -

AF:
Eh, I mean, get out of there. Take cover! Take cover!

Butler:
Take cover?

AF:
Yes, Butler. Cover. I thought that speaking in primal terms would be the quickest route to your cognitive functions. Obviously I was mistaken.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

Artemis was glued to the monitors. This was the time when things traditionally went wrong for kidnappers - the third quarter of operations. Having been successful thus far, the abductors tended to relax, light up a few cigarettes, get chatty with their hostages. Next thing they knew, they were flat on their faces with a dozen guns pointed at the backs of their heads. Not Artemis Fowl. He didn't make mistakes.

No doubt the fairies were reviewing the tapes of their first negotiating session, searching for anything that would give them a way in. Well, it was there all right. All they had to was look. Buried just deep enough to make it look accidental.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

I made a mistake.

As I was a bit busy during the events to stop and document them, I shall have to recap them as best as I can now.

First, I must repeat that I had made a mistake. By not only underestimating the faeries, but by letting myself be blinded by my own arrogance. They had looped the video feeds. I knew it was coming, I had predicted as much, and yet, I let it happen - I overlooked it.

Things had only gotten worse from there.

In my panic, I had sent Juliet to check on Holly without first rebooting the video system. I should have waited as the moment I saw Holly banging away at the floor with the cot, I had known. She must have smuggled in a 'magick seed', she could easily recharge her magic, and I had sent Juliet in unprepared. She had even left her walkie-talkie in the kitchen. I had told her to drop everything, after all.

Meanwhile, the safe room where I had stored the Book was in shambles. Butler was unconscious. I had no idea what had happened there, only that some creature had apparently entered by burrowing holes through the floor and had...farted?

Then, worst of all, Captain Short had been freed from her confines.

But none of this mattered. In the larger scheme, all had been still progressing as normal. Captain Short was still trapped within the Manor, time was running out, and the LEP would soon have no choice but to release their Bio-Bombs.

At that moment I could only have hoped that the LEP was not fully comprised of moral idiots and they would detonate as planned.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

Artemis's watch had stopped. It was as though Greenwich wasn't there anymore. Or perhaps, mused Artemis, we're the ones who have disappeared. He checked CNN. It had frozen. A picture of Riz Khan jittered slightly on the screen. Artemis could not hold back a satisfied smile. They had done it, just like the Book said. The LEP had stopped time. All according to plan.

Time to check out a theory. Artemis wheeled over to the monitor bank and punched up the Mam Cam on the twenty-eight-inch main monitor. Angeline Fowl was no longer on the chaise longue. Artemis panned around the room. It was empty. His mother had gone. Disappeared. His smile widened. Perfect. Just as he'd suspected.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

As predicted, the LEP - the Lower Elements Police, as I've learned them to be called - are progressing as planned and following by the book.

Their first attempt with the crack Retrieval team failed miserably, thanks to Butler and our being prepared for them. They went down quite swiftly. It was almost comical to watch on the monitors.

At around three this morning, the LEP then initiated a time stop. It really is quite ingenious what they do. As I was able to decipher from the Book, the stop does not actually control time, but temporarily displaces for eight hours all conscious beings within the given area while the rest of world continues as usual.

Their next step was to send a negotiator. It turns out I've met him before. He was the Commander I spoke to aboard the whaler. (Yes, he survived. I am not in the business of killing, after all.) And my demand was given: one ton of twenty-four-carat gold, as per their hostage fund allows.

There was the moment of cliches in which the Commander insisted that the LEP does not negotiate, but after my assurances that I can escape their little time field. And after they've seen what I can do, I'm certain they'll agree. Without expressed permission, they are, by law, unable to enter an establishment and, as I told the Commander, the only way they had permission to enter the manor was when I was dead.

Still. They have seven hours before they have to, by the Book, deploy their Bio-Bomb - another rather ingenious, if somewhat dramatic, invention, which disintegrates all living tissue within the area.

I'm interested to see what they can think of in the meantime. I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised. In fact, I'm pla

Why is Butler not making his rounds?

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

Even as the words came out, Artemis felt guilty. These mind games were having an obvious effect on Holly, destroying her from the inside out. Was there really a need for this?

"Three days? You could have killed me. What kind of..."

And it was that speechless quality that sent the doubt shooting through Artemis's brain. The fairy thought him so evil, she couldn't find the words.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis's Journal
Disk 1, Recorded Conversation

CHS - Captain Holly Short
AF - Artemis Fowl

AF:
Getting ideas are we, Captain Short? We are both fully aware of the rules here, Captain. This is my house. You must abide by my wishes. Your laws, not mine. Obviously my wishes do not include bodily harm to myself, or you attempting to leave this house.

CHS:
How do you know my -

AF:
Your name? Your rank? If you wear a name tag...

CHS:
But that's wirtten in -

AF:
Gnommish. I know. I happen to be fluent. As is everyone in my network.

CHS:
Fowl, you have no idea what you've done. Bringing the worlds together like this could mean disaster for us all.

AF:
I am not concerned with us all, just myself. And believe me, I shall be perfectly fine. Now, sit, please.

CHS:
So what is this master plan, Fowl? Let me guess - world domination?

AF:
(chuckles) Nothing so melodramatic. Just riches.

CHS:
A thief! You're just a thief!

AF:
Yes. A thief if you like. Hardly just a thief though. The world's first cross-species thief.

CHS:
First cross-species thief! Mud people have been stealing from us for millennia. Why do you think we live underground?

AF:
True. But I will be the first to successfully separate a fairy from its gold.

CHS:
Gold? Gold? Human idiot. You don't honestly believe that crock-of-gold nonsense. Some things aren't true, you know. (laughing)

AF:
You are right to laugh, Captain Short. For awhile there, I did believe in all that under-the-rainbow crock-of-gold blarney, but now I know better. Now I know about the hostage fund.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

His mother was seated on the chaise longue, resplendent in her own wedding dress, face clumsily coated with makeup. But that wasn't the worst of it.

Beside her was a facsimile of his father, constructed from the morning suit he'd worn on that glorious day in Christchurch Cathedral fourteen years ago. The clothes were padded with tissue, and atop the dress shirt was a stuffed pillowcase with lipstick features. It was almost funny. Artemis choked back a sob, his hopes vanishing like a summer rainbow.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

I don't know what to do about Mother anymore. I was on my way to speak with my guest when Juliet stopped me in the hall. She was claiming that my Mother had said my Father was back and I almost believed it.

I wanted to believe it.

It turns out Mother was merely hallucinating again, but it had gone much father than before this time. She was - I'm not certain I want to describe it, but she was cuddling with a stuffed suit. She was claiming it was Timmy - her nickname for my Father - and that it was their wedding night, she was even dressed in her wedding gown, and she thought I was her father.

She thought I was her father and she was asking me to give Timmy a night off from work for their honeymoon.

There was nothing I could do but grant her the request. I left alone to her fantasy.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

The commander duly observed. It was a nondescript enough shape. Flat, like a slab of putty, or...Oh no.

Beneath the sealant, a red light flicked on.

"Fly, little fairy," said the voice. "And tell your friends Artemis Fowl the Second says hello."

Beside the red light, green symbols bean to click through a routine. Root recognized them from his human studies class back in the Academy. They were...numbers. Going backwards. A countdown!
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis's Journal
Disk 1, Recorded Conversation

UF - Unidentified Fairy
AF - Artemis Fowl

UF:
Where are you? Show yourself!

AF:
Oh, no. Not yet, my fairy friend. But soon enough. And believe, when I do, you'll wish I hadn't.

UF:
What do you want?

AF:
Hmm. What do I want? Again, you will know soon enough.

UF:
Why bring me here at all?

AF:
I brought you here for a demonstration.

UF:
What sort of demonstration, you demented freak?

AF:
(chuckling) A demonstration of my utter commitment to my goals.

UF:
If you've harmed one tip of my officer's pointy ears...

AF:
Your officer? Oh, we have management. How privileged. All the better to make my point.

UF:
Your point?

AF:
My point, little fairy man, is that I am not someone to be trifled with. Now, if you would please observe the package. (pauses) Fly, little fairy. And tell your friend Artemis Fowl the Second says hello.

UF:
D'Arvit!

AF:
Three, two...

UF:
D'Arvit!

AF:
One, zero. Boom!

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

Artemis saw the pain in the creature's eyes as the hollow hypodermic plunged into her body. And for a moment he experienced misgivings. A female. He hadn't expected that. A female, like Juliet, or Mother. Then the moment passed and he was himself again.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

It took near four months to secure my guest with an invitation, but, at last, she has taken residence in the room I had Juliet prepare for her.

Yes. She.

I had not been expecting a female, myself.

It reminded me, rather unpleasantly, of Mother for the briefest of moments. I suppose now would be a good time for some back-story on what is that makes the subject of my Mother so unpleasant, as you may find mention of her later among these disks.

To begin, it all - and I do mean all of this, plot and everything, started when my Father went missing. From what I had understood, he had been attempting to establish, surprisingly legit, shipping lines to Russia. Of course, the Russian Mafia was not so taken with the idea of someone else encroaching on their territory and had the Fowl Star sunk when my father was on his way to Murmansk.

The authorities declared my father dead after only a few months of searching the Bay of Kola.

While I am convinced my father is still alive, my Mother took the news far worse than I could have imagined. She has, since the incident, locked herself in her room at the Manor.

I don't remember the last time I've seen her outside of her self-imposed prison. She suffers, from what I've been able to gather, from severe depression, paranoia, and, on occasion, she enters a delusional state. She has, at times, not even recognized me.

Her own son.


But, I digress. I will not be deterred from my goal. I need to rebuild the fortune my Father had invested away in the Murmansk deal and my pretty, pointy guest is the means to achieving this.

I'll have to explain more later, however, as I believe the explosion of a Japenese whaler is about to become tomorrow morning's headlines.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

"There are preparations to be made for our guest's arrival," said Artemis, handing a typewritten sheet of A4 to Juliet. "These alterations must be made to the cellar. See to it, Juliet. To the letter."
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Juliet,

As I've explained in our meeting these are the necessary alterations to be made to the cellar before our guest arrives.

All of the equipment listed below will be delivered to the Manor tomorrow at 14:00.

- 4 CamVu 2000s
- 1 Dennard 2040
- A Milenio TGS-1
- 1 Big Sky Portable Bed

I've marked on the cellar rendition I've included where everything is to go. Any wiring that needs to be done should already be in place, I took care of it this morning.

A. Fowl

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

"Now, as I was saying, the People have to fulfil a specific ritual to renew their powers. According to my interpretation, they must pick a seed from an anicent oak tree by the bend in a river. And they must do this during the full moon."

The light began to dawn in Butler's eyes. "So all we have to do..."

"Is run a cross reference through the weather satellites, which I already have. Believe it or not, there aren't many ancient oaks left, if you take ancient to be a hundred years plus. When you factor in the river bend and full moon, there are precisely one hundred and twenty-nine sites to be surveyed in this country."
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

As I've predicted, the Book has offered me a way of...communicating with the People other than the faerie we left in Saigon. She would have been no use to me anyway as Chi Lun's Almanda of the People has described: 'Once a fairy has taken spirits with the Mud People they are forever dead to their brothers and sisters.'

As I was typing though, the Book has provided me with another way of communication as I knew it would. I've provided, for record purposes, a scan of the passage from the Book that explains it.



Translated, it reads:

From the earth thing power flow,
Given through courtesy, so thanks are owed.
Pluck thou the magick seed,
Where full moon, anicent oak and twisted water meet.
And bury it far from where it was found,
So return your gift into the ground.

I've already taken to cross-referencing all locations within Ireland where an anicent oak grows and a river flows. Now I've only to present my plans to Butler and Juliet - they're already waiting for me in the study - and for a full moon to come about.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

A normal child would have abandoned the task long since. The average adult would probably have been reduced to slapping the keyboard. But not Artemis. This book was testing him, and he would not allow it to win.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt



It took much longer than expected, but the translations are finished. Now, as they say, the fun can begin.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

By now, you must have guessed just how far Artemis Fowl was prepared to go in order to achieve his goal. But what exactly was this goal? What outlandish scheme would involve the blackmailing of an alcholo-addicted sprite? The answer was gold.
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encyrpted Excerpt

My last entry was brief. I admit I was overcome with excitement at my latest acquisition. I believe I had even fidgeted with anticipation on the flight home - I could have sworn Butler looked at me oddly at one point. But, I digress.

The point of this entry, as I await my program to finish its translation of the text, is to explain a bit of what the Book is exactly for any of my future descendants that might happen across these disks.

To explain the Book, however, I will need to explain the People and who (and what) they are exactly. I believe only those of a much more open view of our world would understand for, you see, the People are faeries.

Yes, I realize how I must seem. To some, I may be referred to as mad. Or perhaps others will simply say I sound as a child does playing their little fantasy games. The truth of the matter, however, is that that the People do exist and I plan to acquire a large sum of their gold in due time.

These People, the faeries of our world, have lived in secret among us for years. I can only assume so because they fear humans. A fear, of course, I plan to monopolize on and the Book, their Book, will help me.

The Book, you see, is their bible, their guidelines and history, their rules and laws. Some of you may already see why this is such an important discovery and part of my plan. For those of you unfortunate few that don't - know thine enemy.

It really is only a matter of how long the program takes to finish translating their Gnommish text, as I've learned it to be called in my research, before I have the very secrets of the People at my disposal and the true plotting can begin.

[Disclaimer: Contains quotes and situations from Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement intended. Spoilers apply.]

The story began several years ago at the dawn of the twenty-first century. Artemis Fowl had devised a plan to restore his family's fortune. A plan that could topple civilizations and plunge the planet into a cross-species war.

He was twelve years old at the time...
(Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl)

---

Artemis Fowl's Journal
Disk 1, Encrypted Excerpt

I am, of course, no different than any other collector wanting to add a prized item to his (or her) collected works. Like any other, I travel great distances to obtain the item, braving sun-drenched cities and dingy alleyways.

Ho Chi Minh City in the summer. Sweltering by anyone's standards. Needless to say, Artemis Fowl would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake. Important to the plan.

Not to mention the slightly unsavory types I also have to deal with along the way.

"And now to business," said Artemis, placing a micro recording on the table. "You answered our Web advertisement."

Nguyen nodded, suddenly praying that his information was accurate.

"Yes, Mister...Master Fowl. What you're looking for...I know where it is."

"Really? And I am supposed to take your word for this? You could be walking me straight into an ambush. My family is not without enemies."

Butler snatched a mosquito out of the air beside his employer's ear.

"No, no," said Nguyen, reaching for his wallet. "Here, look."

There is also the matter of the great deal of money that has been spent in pursuit of the item.

Artemis swallowed a triumphant grin.

"Pay our friend, Butler. In full. Remember, Mister Xuan, this is between us. You don't want Butler to come back, do you?"

"No, no, Master Fowl. My lips are sealed."

"They had better be. Or Butler will seal them permanently."

But where most collectors, though certainly not all of us, keep our dealings legal, I am among those not afraid to step on toes or cross certain lines in order to achieve my goals.

"...Don't be so eager. If we leave without the Book, you will be dead in a day."

"A day! A day!" the healer laughed. "I will outlive you by a century. Even faeries tethered to the human realm can survive the ages."

"Not with half a pint of holy water inside them," said Artemis, tapping the now empty whiskey bottle.

And so, one might call me a criminal, a conman or the like, which is, I confess, an apt description what with the events to come now that I have the Book, my prized item, in my possession.

Artemis Fowl
Dramatis Personae


? Butler - Artemis's lifelong bodyguard, confidant, and accomplice. He is highly trained in the Martial Arts and specialized weaponry. His first name, in order to protect the client and bodyguard from becoming too close, remains unknown to Artemis.

Nguyen Xuan - One of Butler's informants. He helped to locate the "Healer" in Ho Chi Minh City and has been paid in full for information provided. His whereabouts are now unknown.

"Healer" - Artemis's very first contact with the fairy people. With a little negotiating, Artemis was able to retrieve the Book from her to scan the pages. Her whereabouts are now unknown.

Juliet Butler – Butler's younger sister and helps out around Fowl Manor, particularly with Artemis's mother. She is an avid follower of American wrestling.

Angeline Fowl – Artemis's mother. She became severly depressed after Artemis's father disappeared one year ago and has confined herself to the upstairs bedroom. Juliet has since served her as best she can, but Artemis fears for her decreasing mental stability.

Artemis Fowl, Senior – Artemis's father. He disappeared one year ago in the Bay of Kola. He has since been assumed dead by authorities, but Artemis is certain his father is still alive and is determined to find him. He suspects the Russian Mafiya is behind his father's disappearance.

Captain Holly Short – An elf captain of the LEPRecon Unit, an elite branch of the Lower Elements Police, she is Artemis's hostage in his plan to ransom several tons of gold from the People.

Foaly – The LEP's technical advisor, the centaur has developed and patented many weapons and computer equipment for the Lower Element's Police. He is on site during the siege against Fowl Manor to save Holly.

Commander Julius Root – An elf commander of the LEPRecon Unit. He was nicknamed Beetroot by several of his collegues due to his temper and red appearance when angry. He leads the siege against Fowl Manor, in hopes of saving Holly Short and keeping the secret of the People from the Mud Men (humans).

Lieutenant Briar Cudgeon - A power hungry lieutenant of the LEPRecon Unit. He is on-site throughout the siege against Fowl Manor.

Mulch Diggums - A kleptomaniac dwarf who is blackmailed into helping the LEP with their siege against Fowl Manor.

Dr. Jerbal Argon - A gnome and psychiatric consult to the LEP who is on-site during the Fowl Manor Siege in hopes of discovering Artemis's true intentions and/or plan.

Coporal Grub Kelp - An elf LEP coporal who complains an awful lot and is part of the LEPRetrievel One task force for the Fowl Manor Siege.

Captain Trouble Kelp - Older brother of Grub Kelp and an elf captain and commander of LEPRetrievel One. He leads the first assult against Fowl Manor.

Private Chix Verbil - Plays a very small role, which amounts to pressing a button, in the Fowl Manor Siege.